17 December 2008  

 
GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEPERSONS!

LET NOTHING YE DISMAY!

But it is kind of strange. There has been a certain dismay in our house as of late. It's been mainly between me and my eldest son, Charles Adlai. We have been arguing from time to time. He asks, "What season is it?" I reply, "Winter". And that's when the dismay begins. Charlie then says, "It's not winter, there's no snow". I patiently explain that the season is based on the calendar not the weather. But Charlie, having been born and spent his formative years in near-Siberia is not one to let things go so easily. He asks, "Why is there no snow if it is winter?". It would be okay, but I see he is losing trust in me, avoiding eye contact, etc. So, I tell him he'll have to "talk to Al Gore about that". It's not my fault! Even Prime Minister Vladimir Putin was asked recently at a press conference when it was going to snow and if he couldn't answer then neither can I.

Happily, last week we got our first snow of the year which neutralized this ongoing debate with Big Chuck. Curiously, however, I read this mysterious report in the Moscow Times this morning:

"Meteorologists say the light dustings of snow in Moscow this week are not typical snow but made partly of steam and other emissions from local factories. "

So, I see that the Moscow industrial complex has joined in the fight AGAINST global warming.

Oh yeah, in unrelated news, read this: YWAM Moscow has proven that it is a law abiding organization and has now been removed from the list of intended liquidation by the Ministry of Justice. Hallelujah! I'm going to have to start believing that God answers prayer! A big THANK YOU to all of you who prayed for this situation.

SERIOUS MISSION SCHOLARS CAN STOP READING NOW BECAUSE IF YOU KEEP READING IT'S 3-5 MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE THAT YOU WILL NEVER GET BACK.

You guessed it! Rachel is not pregnant, BUT she and I have now enrolled in driver's ed. It's all part of getting into the Yuletide season- that and part of living long term in Russia and being legal.

Yes, I remember those good old days of going to driver's ed. I enrolled at Heights Driving School, held in a basement in downtown Cuyahoga Falls. Our instructor, a certain Mr. Solter, spent most of the time in class scolding all drivers who do not inflate their tires properly and then would usually turn on a video about the dangers of drunk driving at which point we would all lose our dinners.

After two weeks of this intense digestive and inflationary training I went down to the Ohio BM Vehicles (Bureau of Motor Vehicles) by the State Road Shopping Center where I had to prove that I knew what the stop sign was all about. I also remember questions like, "Suppose it is raining, should you A) open your sun roof B) call AAA C) top off your gas tank or D) all of the above?".

After that experience, and the fact that I have been driving in Russia for nearly ten years, plus the fact that you can buy the actual test at the highway patrol office for practice, I must admit that I took quite a cavalier attitude to my chances of passing the Russian driving exam.

That was until I went home and installed the practice exam on the computer and began to read the "RULES of Road Movement WITH Illustrations". Here is some of the information we must know:

-The mechanical definition of a moped.
-The exact distance you may park a car from the railroad tracks.
-The exact proper length of a towing rope.
-The exact proper length and type of towing rope in icy conditions.
-Number of anti-fog lights that you may install on the rear of your car.
-Which has more authority- a white or an orange line? (I have yet to see an orange line on the road in Russia)
-What does it mean if the curb is painted in black and white stripes? (Also, don't remember ever seeing this)
-If the road is 3 meters wide where must you park?
-If the road is 4 meters wide where must you park?
-What if you didn't bring a tape measure with you to measure the road so that you know where to park? (Okay, I made that one up)
-Can you install studded winter tires on just one axle of your car? If so, which axle?
-If you are transporting a group of children on a bus, which headlights must be turned on?
-When you stop to load or unload passengers on said bus, which lights must be turned on?
-If there is an open wound and the outside temperature is above 25 degrees Celsius which type of compress should be applied?
-Proper care for a broken leg.
-If the highway is divided and outside a city what is the maximum speed limit? Hint: there will NOT be a speed limit sign.
-If the policeman is standing in the intersection with his left side towards you and his right arm outstretched forward which way may you go? Answer: you may turn left, right, go straight, or make a u-turn.
-When does the driver carry administrative responsibility? A) For light injury of a pedestrian and medium damage to property B) Medium injury of a pedestrian and severe damage to property C) Medium or severe damage to a pedestrian's property.

This is just some of the information we must know. Turns out we will be drivers AND traffic lawyers AND paramedics! So, we are off to driver's ed. I went to sign up Rachel and me up and turns out that this driver's school is also in a basement. AND the instructor bears a striking resemblance to Mr. Solter. I suspect they are both part of the driver's ed instructor chapter of the Skull and Crossbones club. Or, if I was a Hindu, I might think that Mr. Solter reincarnated as a Russian driving instructor. I was disappointed that the lesson contained no instruction related to proper tire pressure.

Rachel and I are excited about being 16 all over again. I told her I would teach her how to properly fire a spitwad while taking notes with a thoughtful facial expression. During recess, I offered, we could play paper football, and in the evening go cowtipping or toilet paper the parsonage.

Rachel had a much better suggestion:

"I thought we'd go hide behind the bleachers and kiss and stuff."

-Rachel E. Frecka December 15, 2008

Not that either of us are insinuating in any way that we were engaged in any of the above activities during our adolescence.

Sadly, none of this will happen since Rachel and I won't have time to go to driver's ed together- actually come to think of it we COULD go together, WITH the kids! Okay, probably not, although I think Charlie might find some answers he's been looking for, because I won't be surprised if the "RULES of Road Movement WITH Illustrations" also covers meterological anomalies.

We will alternate evenings or sometimes not go. During the informational meeting I asked if I pass the exam do I have to attend class? They suggested alternating evenings with Rachel. "But what if I don't come at all?" I inquired. They said, "Then the instructor won't recognize your face." I couldn't find that in the rule book. I guess I still have some study to do. The main thing they seemed concerned about though was that I pay for driver's ed, which I did. I don't know if that will affect our final grade or not.

Also, to receive a Russian driver's license we had to pass the medical examination. We did this yesterday. There was an eye test. "I can't see out of my left eye," I announced (for some reason everything went fuzzy, I think because I had closed it too tightly while reading it with my right eye). "Nevermind," said the examiner. Then there were some trick questions like "has anyone known or unknown to you given you a physical reason as to why you can't drive"? They took my blood pressure: "140/80" the examiner declared. "Now stand up close your eyes and touch your nose with your index finger," the examiner continued- this was done, not to brag, with precision. Then came the kicker: "Show me your teeth and stick out your tongue." Then we headed on to the psychiatric ward and narcological ward to receive the documents proving that we've never been there before...

Next time I take a taxi I'm going to ask the driver to show me his teeth and stick out his tongue before I agree to ride.

I think I passed the medical examination thanks to MASTER TONIC, but probably not due to the badger fat I had been drinking.

With that, we wish you a Merry Christmas AND a Happy New Year!

Andy, Rachel, Hannah, Charlie, Jaden, and Benjamin

www.ywam.ru